Whale Shit at the Bottom of the Ocean

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Whale shit on the Bottom of the Ocean

Self-esteem is bad. It makes you do bad things, like getting up out of bed (you'll use dwindling natural resources and contribute to pollution), eating (food that should be going to starving refugee orphans), going to work (continuing the oppression of billions) and thinking you are as good, if not better, than other people.

No one should have any self-esteem. Here are some tips to help lower yours to a point lower than whale shit on the bottom of the ocean. They work for me.

Ø Listening to the Swans. Side A of Greed (PVC 8949) is probably the single most effective self-esteem lowering collection of music ever produced. Sample lyrics will be interspersed throughout for those of you fortunate enough not to have access to a copy. With all the evil lyrics here, they work best when repeated to yourself over and over.

I'll lie to myself (x2)

I'll lie down here

I'll lie down beside you (x2)

I'll believe in myself

I'll believe in a lie

I'll cut off my right hand

and stand in your shadow.

I'll lie to myself (x2)

I'll crawl all over myself

and stand in your shadow.

I'll crawl all over myself

and stand in your arms.

Ø Chain smoking.

Ø Trying to sleep and failing.

Ø Drinking.

Ø Watching CNN, with the sound off, listening to Tool. The second most effective collection of music is Tool's Undertow (Zoo 72445-11052-2).

I am just a worthless liar

I am just an imbecile

I will only complicate you

Trust in me ... and fall as well.

I will find the center in you

I will chew it up and leave

I will work to elevate you

Just enough to bring you down.

Ø Smoking, drinking.

Ø Self-mutilation.

Ø Carving Swans lyrics into my thigh.

I hate my body.

I'm stuck in my body.

I'm nothing.

I'm nobody.

I'm stuck in myself.

Ø Pouring cheap scotch on the carving.

Ø Hanging up on unresponsive voice mail.

Ø Waiting for the tomorrow that never comes.

Ø Watching "I Spit on your Grave" and "Straw Dogs" with the sound off, listening to Foetus and Coil. Lyrically, Coil isn't all that good in lowering self-esteem. Foetus, in his various incarnations, is. I recommend Hole (Some Bizarre, Womb FDL 3), Nail (Some Bizarre Womb FIP 4) and especially Thaw (Some Bizarre, WOMB FIP 5)

Say a prayer

say a prayer

say a prayer

for my death.

I don't find it necessary

to take responsibility

bullshit is obligatory

daily life is dysentery

Escape this earthly Alcatraz

get out of this penitentiary

crawl out of this century

I could see eternity

I could see infinity

I could see the terminus

I need

release.

Ø Reading alt.depressed.as.fuck

Ø Posting to alt.depressed.as.fuck again.

Ø Laying awake at 3:00 am going over every single mistake, misstep, misspoken word, missed chance, missed opportunity and assorted other miseries.

Ø Mirrors and photographs. Look at yourself. You are a fucking loser. Look at what you had and look at what you have now (if anything).

Ø Still no messages on the answering machine.

Ø Ever notice the absolutely fascinating patterns made by the blood from shaving accidents as it hits the water? Wouldn't a lot more be really spectacular?

Ø "We are all satires of our parents."

Ø Watching Salo, listening to Coil.

Ø Wanting and needing things you just can't ever have. Or ever have again.

Ø Every choice is incorrect.

ØTime for some more evil music.

Shit adds up (x3)

down at the bottom.

I'm shameless now

I'm nameless now

I'm nothing now

I'm no one now.

But my soul must be iron

for my fear is naked

I'm naked and fearless

and my fear is naked.

You see me naked now

empty now

nameless now

shameless now

It leaves me dead inside

Hatred keeps me alive

Emptiness keeps me alive

Weakness keeps me alive

Guilt keeps me alive

down at the bottom

where shit adds up.

Ø "Life sucks" represents two temporary conditions.

Ø Other fun activities include spending a day working up the nerve to ask someone out on something vaguely approaching a date, expecting rejection, getting rejected, and being terribly disappointed anyway.

Ø Working on the alt.depressed.as.fuck FAQ

Ø Going through the vaguely date-like routine, getting "yes" for an answer, as long as it's a couple weeks in advance, riding high on the fun part of bipolar euphoria, then having said vague date-like thing get invariably canceled, and still being crushed even after the fifth time in a row this happens.

Ø Nobody understands relationships like Gordon Sharp of Cindytalk. From their awesome In This World (Midnight Music Chime 00.27 S)

Be strong in death.

...

At the point of penetration

At the point of maximum joy

At the point of penetration

Let me hold you

Let my arms take the strain.

...

Your brittle skin will change again

Your compassion is ugly

...

My bloody fingers caress your skin

I told you, let my arms take the strain.

Ø Gun catalogues. Knife catalogues. Plastic bag catalogues.

ØThink about how happy you are in a parallel universe, where you didn't completely fuck up and are still married and own a nice house in Melbourne.

Ø Planning your gloriously spectacular, tri-state multicide spree. Read issue 2 of ANSWER Me! or any issue of Murder Can Be Fun for inspiration.

Ø Spend $2.00 a minute on phone calls to the local "alternative" weekly romance ads. Filter out all ads that have qualifications that you don't meet (e.g. "Tall", "Fit", "Non-smoking"). Make calls to a good statistical sample (i.e. more than 20). See how many don't even call you back. So far I'm beneath rejection for 95% of the eligible, date-seeking female population of the SF bay area. The other 5% were nice enough to reject me outright.

Ø Keep listening to evil music.

I'm your stupid child.

I'm your stupid naked child.

I'm your stupid helpless child.

I'm ashamed of what I am.

I like the way that feels.

I like the way that burns me.

I like the way that dulls me.

I like the way that cuts me down.

I'm your stupid child (x2).

ØRemy Martin for breakfast, Lagavulin for dinner. Or was it the other way around today?

I know where my money comes from

I'll do any thing for you.

Put your hand in my mouth

I'll force it down.

Force it down in me.

Put it in.

Take it out.

Take it out of me.

Take it out on me.

I know where my money comes from.

ØAll your feelings are invalid.

ØEverything you do is wrong.

ØNotice several personal ads that are rewrites of ones previously called. Come to the not-so-surprising conclusion of being utterly worthless. Henry Lee Lucas must be preferable as a date, because I'm certainly not.

Give me what I want

and all I can think about

is losing it.

I'm losing it.

Look at me and run away.

Stop talking you hurt me.

And I'm not afraid to die.

ØDrink lots of coffee. Not only will it aggravate depression, and make you depressed if you're jonseing for it, but thoughts will race through your head: all the stuff you should've done, but fucked up. Just like you will again. Plus it keeps you up at night, allowing you more time to drink more booze and remember how it was supposed to be.

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Created December, 1996

Last updated Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Except, of course, the lyrics to the evil music. Evil Cindytalk lyrics are © 1988, Midnight Music. Evil Foetus lyrics are © 1988, Self-Immolation Music. Evil Swans lyrics are © 1985, K.422. Evil Tool lyrics are © 1993, BMG Music. Evil Throwing Muses lyrics are © 1986, 4AD.

Copyright © 2003, 2004, 2005 Jerod Poore. All rights reserved. This is my life and I'm copyrighting it. I'm taking Harry Shearer's advice. If I catch any companies like ChoicePoint selling information about it, it's going to be an intellectual property issue now.

Almost all of the material on this site is copyright © 2003, 2004, 2005 Jerod Poore. Except, of course, the PI sheets, those are the property of the drug companies who developed the drugs the sheets are about. And any documents that are written by other people which may be posted to this site will remain the property of the original authors. You cannot reproduce this page or any other material on this site outside of the boundaries of fair use copying without the express permission of the copyright holder. That's usually me, so just ask first. That means if want to print out a few pages to take to your doctor, therapist, counselor, support group, non-understanding family members or something like that - then that's OK to just do. Go for it! Please. As long as you include this copyright notice and the following disclaimer, I'm cool with it.

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