52 replies to this topic

[hammer of dusk]

For many of us, the primary person or people in our lives probably knows about our MI to some extent. But what about other friends, co-workers, roommates, etc? At what point would (or did) you tell which other people, and how?

[VAL]

I'm a pretty open person but also know when to keep my MI to myself, it's not something I would share in a normal work situation unless I needed accommodation under the American with Disabilities act and even then it would be strictly on a need to know basis. It would otherwise be my goal to keep it under wraps for the same reason I keep my fibromyalgia under wraps or any other medical condition...it's not the business of anybody but my loved ones.

I also have a great many friends, some from a church community and my entirely secular, largely agnostic friends who go back thirty years or so. The church community I belong to has a lot of members from the entertainment industry, the church is in that area of Los Angeles and my friends from there are savvy and sophisticated people and I don't worry about stigma but again, I don't run around dumping my personal medical problems on people and I work hard to put on a good face even when I'm down because I don't believe in dragging other people down.

Those I'm closest to in that community...the various priests and friends whom I work closely with in organizations know about my depressions because there were times when it became appropriate to tell them. Eventually, most of those learned it was bipolar depression, but these are people I became close to and felt comfortable enough to eventually share it with them. Each person was told separately and there were different circumstances that dictated who and when I told.

For instance, the director of a program I'm involved in knew several years ago because I felt he should know given that there would be some limitations to what I could do for the organization. The co-director of that program knew of my depressions for the same reason and also, because I just naturally developed a close relationship/friendship with her. Last February, she learned I had bipolar illness and had been abused because I was going through a crisis involving my pdoc threatening (and almost) terminating me and at the same time, I had a bizarre return of long dead PTSD symptoms and during that time I sent her some very odd messages and then needed to explain them to her and so called her and flat out told her what I was dealing with in terms of the PTSD and that I was bipolar.

I also have a life time commitment as a lay person to a particular Benedictine monastery and there too, there are some that know because I've become close and in sharing spiritual issues, the psychological sometimes comes up or general discussions about suffering and illness come up and I might share in that context.

As far as my absolute, closest, longest term like a second family friends...they learned for the same above reasons...because it arose organically in the relationship. I don't have any special way of determining if I'll tell someone or not and I do my best to hide it and if I can't or decide that I can trust someone to know then I share it with them.

So, there are lots and lots of people who at least know I have depression and take meds and see a pdoc, there are a subset of those people who know it's bipolar depression and a very small subset of those people who know the whole shebang...the abuse, the PTSD....all of it.

So basically, if I'm becoming friends with someone and it looks like its going somewhere I'd tell after the relationship was established enough for the person to know that I'm really a rather stable person with a relatively normal life and then I'd tell them for the same reasons I eventually told my current friends...because I'd be ill and want to tell them with what or I'd feel it was that point in the relationship but only after they got to know me as a fully functional person who doesn't go up and down with labile moods or instability in relationships....after they knew that I was trustworthy and could be counted on to be a friend and be there for them when they need me and not someone who was going to expect them to carry me along...then I'd tell them and if they couldn't handle it then they'd be gone, but that has never happened because I'm well liked and by the time I get to that point in a relationship, it's pretty well established that we're going to stay friends on some level at least.

Edited by VAL, 12 November 2011 - 12:56 AM.

[Nurse Ratched]

Most of my family know. Grandparents, aunts, cousins. They are all supportive and non-judgmental. When it comes to telling friends, I think it really depends on how open the friend is. You can usually tell this within six months of a friendship. If a friend doesn't discriminate, if they are tolerant and compassionate, then I feel pretty safe letting them know.

Sometimes, a friend will come out to me first. That, of course, makes it easy to fess up.

The hardest thing is to try to come out in romantic relationships. I took a very long time in telling my husband. We had been dating over a year before I told him anything about it.

I'm sure this answer is subjective for everyone, depending on their own experiences on how they've been treated in the past.

[lavender]

I wanted to tell some of my close friends about my depression and med changes recently especially with my suicidal thoughts because I want them to know to check on me. I'm estranged with my family of origin because of the abuse. So, it's important for me to get support from friends.

Beyond close friends I've been a bit cautious. I know what I have thought of bipolar disorder in the past, and straight up depression resulting from a very long illness seems a lot safer to me.

I'm not working right now, but I am in school. I'm attending a seminary for a masters in counseling, and I have spoken with the student life director about my physical illness, depression and suicidal thoughts because she coordinates disability services, and has helped me to sort out what to tell my profs and others at the school to get accommodation. Since she's a minister, she has also offered me some spiritual support, which has been helpful. I haven't used the bipolar word with her.

I have shared a very brief bit about my own abuse with a few select students as it has seemed relevant.

I know as a (hopefully) future therapist, I want to get to a point where I am more comfortable sharing my own journey with mental illness because I think it's important to my work and my ability to help people. However, being that I am still in the middle of all this with changing meds, symptoms, and on and off suicidal thoughts and other bizarre thoughts, I'm just not ready yet. A judgmental response could possible set me off right now, and I need to focus on getting stable and doing the best that I can to get through my classes right now.

I do tend to be pretty open about my addiction issues because I feel like it's not something I'm struggling with in the present.

[Velthir]

A few of my closest friends, my flatmate and my girlfriend, nobody aside from that.

Edited by Velthir, 12 November 2011 - 03:06 PM.

[neuropsychopharmacology]

I've had to tell a lot of professors. The cat was pretty much out of the bag when they were so concerned I was pulled out of class to go to a counselor. But it was entirely the right move as now I have the right diagnosis and treatment. It's harder telling friends. They'll say things like, "Oh my mom's sooo bipolar she's totally mean then so nice like a minute later" like it's the same thing. Most of them just seem less inclined to take it seriously.

[bipopular]

I find it easier to share within the genetic context, in that my mom amd son have BP1. Then I can do a little education about the illness and still feel in control. Ha!

[inmyhead]

locked in the closet and threw away the key.
spouse is aware and that is it.
CM and CB know.
I would open up to other mentally interesting people.
even with meds that help me feel more comfortable, sorry.

[bergsonisme]

I told my girlfriend/quasi-fiancée during our first "real" date -- we had met and made out in a night club before. It wasn't a restaurant, it was a library/coffeeshop with a couch so I basically laid down on her lap and started with "So, I take antipsychotics" (I was on Seroquel back then). My thinking was -- if this is a person that can't deal with the stuff, I want to know straight away.

In the same vein, I tend to tell people who are becoming close friends after I trust them but before they count on me. This results in tricky workplace situations where I really have to evaluate "friendship level" and "trustworthiness level". (For example, the intern is really sweet -- might have a crush on me; knows what I usually ask when we go out for lunch -- and she knows about ADHD but not bipolar; she's too young and has family ties to the boss).

Pretty much no one, not even my One True Closest Friend from back before the before knows about my depersonalization; my girlfriend has a clue, but not details. It's really, really hard to explain depersonalization to civilians in a way that doesn't scream "psychosis". I had a good, heartfelt conversation with the One True BFF about dissociative fugues and liminal states thereof; he mentioned casually some deep-down desire to get away from it all for a while, so I talked about Agatha Christie and having similar deep-down desires and the reason why I don't own a cellphone, etc. (OTBFF knows about bipolar and ADHD).

The main thing is that I want to minimize the stress of "keeping a mask", even at the expense of some overexposure risk. If the New Workplace Friend Guy Who Is Becoming a Close Friend is to spend more time with me, I want him to understand the yearly cycle and so on -- heck, it's really helpful for the work environment for some people to know there's something off about me without revealing the full monty to the general unwashed masses. Bottom line, people can't accommodate you if they don't know.

[Mr_West]

Dealing with roommates, "headaches" can be a useful euphemism to explain pills.

[dymphna]

I tried. My family thinks I made it all up for attention.

What can you do?

: p


D

[bergsonisme]

Dealing with roommates, "headaches" can be a useful euphemism to explain pills.

"Migraines" is my standard excuse when something needs to be explained to people outside the explaining circles. For example, after a while of "having a doctor appointment" once a month, the boss was curious. For a while, all the meds I was on could be adequately explained by migraines, too.

[hammer of dusk]

Dealing with roommates, "headaches" can be a useful euphemism to explain pills.

"Migraines" is my standard excuse when something needs to be explained to people outside the explaining circles. For example, after a while of "having a doctor appointment" once a month, the boss was curious. For a while, all the meds I was on could be adequately explained by migraines, too.

My current cocktail has essentially ended migraines for me, so that's what I go with, too. But walls are thin and I think my roommates suspect there's something more wrong with me. I feel like coming out with a label on it would make it sound like a bigger deal than it needs to be, or like I'm wanting special treatment or something. Right now they can say "Yeah she's a little crazy," and it's no big thing; lots of people have stories about how crazy their roommates are.

[forgetmenot]

I told a few close friends and two family members (telling my parents would NOT be a good idea, trust me, they dealt horribly with my MI when I was younger) then just blurted it out on facebook one day. That I was thankful for my medications (a bunch of people chimed in that they were thankful for theirs, MI meds or not) and then finally just said I needed them, I'm bipolar, if you don't like it, don't bother. I got received huge support in return and do not regret my decision. I'm a bit shy but am willing to talk openly about MI with the right person/people.

[Her]

I'm out everywhere. I mean, it's not the first thing I lead with in an introductory conversation, but I sure as hell don't hide it. People need to know that their neighbor, the woman who runs the synagogue gift shop, the quirky chick who worked her ass off doing research for her volunteer organization, is bipolar. Crazy has a lot of faces. Not all of them make newspaper headlines.

People want to ask questions. I can't tell you how many conversations I've had with people who have bipolar family members, or coworkers, or who are worried about themselves, who just need someone who's willing to have a cup of coffee and talk about what it's like to live with bipolar disorder. It helps.

I can do it, and so I do.

Edited by Her, 19 November 2011 - 07:22 PM.

[drewinthebu]

I don't keep it a secret, but I don't ever really find myself talking about it to anyone other than those one would expect. Unless I'm manic.

Side note, it has generally been, for me, 100x easier "coming out" as gay than as having bipolar in terms of understanding and acceptance. Just saying.

[thief of light]

I'm out to the people I need to be out to - close nonjudgmental friends, family. Not all of them, but most.

Do I have people who tell me I'm making it up for attention? Yep.

But the ones who really matter to me are supportive. They've seen me struggle and have helped through the worst times.

Do I go out on the street going, "HEY! I HAVE THE CRAZY!"? No.

[papertrees]

All my friends and family know... But they can see that I am highly functional, so I'm not so stigmatized. Except when I self-injure during mixed episodes... That rings the alarm bell for them.

However, I made a mistake of revealing it at the workplace, when I was a real estate broker. Then my manager said I wasn't fit for the job, and that I couldn't handle it, even with a medical certificate from my pdoc. He suggested I become a flight attendant instead!

I will never reveal it again at the workplace, until I absolutely have to.

[LovelyThoughts]

Ive had other docs tell me they thought I was BPII but not until last Dec did I really listen & start the right meds. Most people knew I had depression, for the most part I didn't try & "hide" it & I mostly had it under control with meds.

In Dec when I finally gave in to trying the correct meds I was hypomanic & thankfully because it was the holiday season the only people I was with for the most part was family because I felt I was on a mission to tell the world about my new dx. I had even considered posting it on FB as well and the only thing that stopped me was that I have a few of my kids friends on there.

Maybe someday I will come out. Perhaps after we find the right med combo, who knows.

[withdelight]

i was pretty well in the closet until 2010 when i was hospitalized twice - at that point my family and most of my close friends found out, although it's not something i really discuss with anyone besides my fiancé. re: coworkers - none of them know about my brain cooties. i work with teenagers with developmental disabilities, many of whom take some of the same meds as i do, so i prefer to keep that aspect of my life to myself.

[MsNoir]

Told one sister who lives by me and she was very judgemental and sat me down and just said "i cant handle this and have enough on my plate', then proceeded to tell the rest of the family I was bat shit crazy because I had to be hospitialized due to suicide attempt. We were on a med go around with the dr and trying to get the right meds. SO i am astrained from all my family even though it is prevelant in my family, and only on facebook do we politly talk weather and the like.

I told my now husband only after about a year beause we were talking marriage and I felt sorry for him having to put up with me. We have been married 9 months now and I have offered to get my own place once when I was manic around x mas and threw things at him, I hate x mas now because of the memories that come up and still dealing with stuff. My husband told his adult children and I wont go visit them anymore nad he has to go alone because he opened his mouth. Guess I just like my privacy and dont want to be judged on a MI. I had visited b4 he told them and it was great so now it would be strange for them to know. He also told some friends and I wont visit them either because they are a million questions about hospitalization and meds and one is a nurse and thinks she is a dr and its just not worth it. I was bvery unhappy with my husband for a while - but he needed support to deal with it and that is his support group. I have since told him to keep his mouth firmly shut and get a therapist if he needs to deal with things!!
.
I would not tell a living soul unless it was absoutly life threatening necessary - and they better be a dr and bound to keep it quiet. I have almost moved away to another town because people in my small town that I used to work with knew. But I did not want to be away from my 5 yr old daughter for visitation.

I follow the "dont ask, dont tell" method.

MsNoir

Edited by MsNoir, 30 March 2012 - 08:25 AM.

[MsNoir]

My mom, a couple of friends, and my roomates know. I'm still not ready to tell more people just yet because some of my friends believe you shouldn't need medicaton for mental illness

My sisters think I just need religion and God will "cure" me. They have asked me 'what are you doing wrong?' and i need more faith - makes me want to slap them sometimes and just say - "oh yea, i did this on purpose, just to piss my family off"
Some people just dont get it !!

Ms Noir

[Blue Heron]

MsNoir, it's time to take the writing about your sisters to a blog. Your posts on other topics are very welcome. The sister-related posts are getting repetitive, though, and you're not supposed to hash out your interpersonal problems in the forums, anyway. If you haven't already done so, you might want to look into Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, which was designed for those with Borderline Personality Disorder.

[Claire]

When I met my husband I was unmedicated running fairly manic but it was controllable enough. I eventually got to the point where I *needed* meds and I went to the GP that led to an awful lot of back story that I had to explain. Now, my hubby is an engineer - it drives him potty that he can't 'mend' me or that the pdoc can't 'mend' me. I've tried to explain that I'm not unhappy with my situation per se but that I am terribly depressed. It's not a situational depression IYKWIM. Anyway every night as I chug my meds he tuts but even he can see I am better on rather than off the meds.

My parents know but I don't believe that they know exactly how bad it's been over the years. My mum is an undiagnosed BP for sure - and when I start talking about it she just tells me how bad its been for her *shrugs* My Dad knows. I remember donkeys years ago trying to explain bipolar to him, I think he just is in denial.

A couple of close friends know, but only so if I need someone to take the kids to school because I can't etc.

My daughters teacher knows. She's the special needs co-ordinator at the school and she started almost belittling the problems that high functioning Aspies go through. I asked if she had any personal experience with MI and she said no. I told her that I did and that just because things look good on the surface, it doesn't mean that inside we're not messed up.

Thats it.

[Edited for typo]

Edited by Claire, 30 March 2012 - 11:10 AM.

[tripolarTroy]

My parents, Brother and a handful of friends and damn the stigma and ignorance is still unbelievable.

[paellamagi]

I have told a few friends who were nothing but supportive. I haven't told my parents yet. Too chicken. I don't see my mother being supportive. I told her I had a depressive illness, and that was bad enough.