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The Daily Rant


Why Bipolar I Is The "new Black"

Posted by Bela Lugosi's Dad , 18 May 2013 · 405 views
Banjos, panhandling, kangaroos
I seems that everywhere I turn celebrities are coming out of the closet and announcing that they are Bipolar.
This is a fashion that is not limited to celebrities, if you are an aspiring salesman, glamour model or alcoholic -  a Bipolar diagnosis is the way to go and explains ones "eccentricities" between moments of having a very good time. 
Somewhere around the beginning of this year, I decided to check out of the hotel I had been living in for a good few months and move to sunny Spain, where the women are orange and the men are wanted for questioning. *
On the surface, things are quite idillic. From my terrace I can see Africa, the palm trees are gently swaying in the breeze and it's comfortable 86 degrees. 
Except it's not, because I am not on my terrace. I am curled up in the foetal position in bed with the shutters down. I have been in bed pretty much since I moved down here.
This troubles me as I seem to be missing out on the "good times". I also have lost my long term memory, big time. My mother told me in confidence "this was probably not a bad thing".
I understand that Catherine Zeta Jones is in a clinic being treated for bipolar disorder. A quick google image search shows me pages of her cleavage, but not one of her lying in bed with her meds stuck in her cheek unable to swallow and scared of her own shadow.
I think I need to accept that this illness is getting worse and my medicines are completely out of control. I need to show up at a hospital and the main thing stopping me is that I have no idea how describe what is wrong, because it feels everything is and I don't know where to start.
I shall look at the forum for inspiration.
*Thanks JC.


Bela Tries To Buy His Way Out Of Madness. Completely Unsuccessfully.

Posted by Bela Lugosi's Dad , 22 May 2012 · 276 views

I am sitting on the bed in my hotel room, cool beer in hand, money in wallet, money in bank - heart in shoes.

It is nearly two months since I posted here and it is not for want of trying. I just never seem to make it past the Entry Title bit. I am not too sure what has been going on. I sort of remember but it is all too much to remember and pick out one coherent item.

I have a job. Well if you can call taking swings of indifference and wild abuse from a client that under any other circumstances I would have shot by now, were it not for all the lovely money, a job.

Lovely money. I just don't know what to do with it, it makes no sense. I did buy a shiny car but realised that I was just as lonely in a shiny car as I was in my cramped apartment so I gave it back. And then proceeded to buy another one, which was equally lonely.

I am going to get rumbled soon, because there is only so long one can invoice $300 an hour, and produce nothing. I am supposed to be writing business cases for one of the largest corporations in the world but the only equation I have figured out is how much my client pays for me to take a shit, which is about $100 - $175 a dump depending on how constipated the Abilify has made me.

Ah yes, lovely Abilify. The seed of the lovely money. When a head hunter called Bela and suggested he got on an aeroplane and did consultancy stuff, the very day the Abilify kicked in, how could he refuse? I mean, don't we all know that money buys happiness?

Does it fuck.

What it does buy is a huge massive stomach. 15kg in one month alone, all on my stomach. I have gone from being reasonably athletic looking to understanding why some men wear braces (Belts no longer work, men are not blessed with child bearing hips, don't believe the movie 'Junior'.)

I went to visit my daughter, and felt nothing. I went to visit my sister and I experienced the same boredom one normally only experiences in a natural history museum. This weekend I am going to Marbella. Do I feel any anticipation or excitement? Nope I feel nothing, my mood is completely flat.

Of course the Abilify makes me get up at 5.00 to revel in this emotional blandness. It allows me to experience the pseudo hypnotic state of Seroquel in all it's glory. Now who would want to miss that?

I honestly feel that if I was to be loaded up with rum, cocaine, an escort and guns I would not skip a beat, I would feel no more excitement than waiting for a bus. Even if the Beatles showed up in their bus and full Sargent Pepper's Lonely Heart Club band regalia that would still be like waiting for the number 52 to Kensington.

I don't really know where I am going with this, in fact I have no idea where I am going with anything.

I think I'll stop right here and write something, when I actually have something to say.


Headaches, Terrible, Terrible Headaches.

Posted by Bela Lugosi's Dad , 07 April 2012 · 260 views
stop, the, pain
I don't know what is causing them but they are beyond belief. I feel like I have been hit by a bat.

They have been getting worse on a daily basis over the past 10 days to the point that they are intolerable. Have tried every painkiller in the book, nothing touches them.

I wish I could research what is causing them, but staring at a screen hurts.

C'est la vie. Merdique, mes la vie.


Quoting Jerod, Ad Nauseum, May Not Help Your Family Relations. But You Will Feel Better.

Posted by Bela Lugosi's Dad , 05 April 2012 · 315 views

[4:43:36 PM] BLG: Hello :)
[4:44:42 PM] Bela's Sister: Hi
[4:45:03 PM] Bela's Sister: all OK? I sent mum that lounger, if you'd be kind enough to help her assemble it?
[4:45:25 PM] BLG: I know. She is pretty stressed out about it.
[4:45:58 PM] Bela's Sister: I will call her now and ask her why she is stressed out about it
[4:46:54 PM] BLG: Don't she is on a knifes edge, has had a terrible flood with the storms here. He stress is that she has nowhere to put it.
[4:47:09 PM] Bela's Sister: the garden
[4:47:24 PM] BLG: That is what I said.....
[4:47:26 PM] Bela's Sister: that's why I bought a hard wood one and explained that it could go
[4:47:27 PM] Bela's Sister: in the garden
[4:48:04 PM] Bela's Sister: the cushion folds up
[4:48:14 PM] Bela's Sister: and can go on top of the tumble drier
[4:48:23 PM] Bela's Sister: no stress to be had
[4:48:42 PM] BLG: Your mileage may vary.
[4:48:58 PM] Bela's Sister: ?
[4:49:11 PM] Bela's Sister: I'll talk to her about it
[4:49:35 PM] BLG: There is not room as she had to empty the Volvo into the extension.
[4:49:48 PM] Bela's Sister: look
[4:49:57 PM] Bela's Sister: for fuck's sake, we are talking about a foldable cushion
[4:50:05 PM] Bela's Sister: if it is too much
[4:50:09 PM] Bela's Sister: I will cancel it
[4:50:12 PM] Bela's Sister: and she can send it back
[4:50:21 PM] Bela's Sister: as far as I'm concerned she can leave it outside
[4:50:52 PM] Bela's Sister: I'd be happy if somebody bought me a harwood lounger that can go... in the garden.... where it fucking belongs
[4:51:20 PM] Bela's Sister: so I will call her and see why there is a problem - she seemed pleased when I spoke to her earlier
[4:52:06 PM] BLG: Dear [Sister], I agree. You have the best intentions - you really do, but because of your life pressures, you can buldoze a bit. And when she doesn't answer your calls I am the one enduring drunk and angry answermachine messgages.
[4:52:34 PM] Bela's Sister: you are annoying me. What have I bulldozed by buying her a lounger
[4:52:45 PM] Bela's Sister: she always said she wished she had one when she saw mine
[4:53:09 PM] Bela's Sister: anyway, I AM going to talk to her about it and see if she thinks i've BULLDOZED her
[4:53:10 PM] Bela's Sister: bye
[4:54:02 PM] BLG: I don't mean to annoy you. I told you she didn't want one. Don't fan the fire, I have to deal with it, not you. bye.
[4:54:33 PM] Bela's Sister: you didn't tell me she didn't want one you thought I was talking about a sun bed
[4:54:43 PM] Bela's Sister: anyway, I hope the rst of you do better
[4:54:44 PM] Bela's Sister: bye
[4:55:02 PM] BLG: Now you are being an arse. It doesn't suit you.
[4:55:53 PM] Bela's Sister: well Bela you're always so negative you end up a) annoying me and B) being the same
[4:57:40 PM] Bela's Sister: and actually, I was hoping that you really would do better as it's very disheartening to put a lot of effort - and expense - into something that is unwanted and stresses somebody out, when it was a) a thing she told me she wanted and B) meant for her to relax on. Oh , the irony
[4:57:53 PM] BLG: Compare what I COULD be, and what I have to be and then tell me if you really have grounds t be annoyed with me.
[4:57:56 PM] *** BLG sent The Offer.jpg ***
[4:58:18 PM] Bela's Sister: I think you make things hard for yourself
[4:58:42 PM] Bela's Sister: you set your sights too high and want things you can't have
[4:58:59 PM] Bela's Sister: you should focus on getting well, doing things that make you happy and being positive
[4:59:26 PM] Bela's Sister: I've already told you I don't know why you're there if she makes you unhappy
[4:59:27 PM] BLG: And you do not? When I owned a huge house [Sister] I did not worry about a £200 flight bill.
[4:59:42 PM] BLG: I am here because I love her.
[4:59:43 PM] Bela's Sister: you offering to pay?
[5:00:05 PM] Bela's Sister: you are a very odd person, Bela. You make your choices and you live by them
[5:00:41 PM] Bela's Sister: which is what I try to do
[5:00:41 PM] BLG: If you could spare the time yes. I get 216 pounds a fortnight disability benefits but think this would be a wise investment. So yes, If you can spare the time I will pay.
[5:03:32 PM] Bela's Sister: I flew to London specifically to see her and am going again, specifically to see her on 26th May. You live down the road and don't go and see her - she tells me she has to come over to see you. I call her every day. I send her money. I happen to live over 1000 miles away and have 3 children that need me. I have offered her a home here. You can be very judgmental, and, do you know what? Given the choices you have made and the stresses you have caused, THAT doesn't suit you.
[5:09:53 PM] BLG: I really don't think most of you give me much credit. I don't make many choices [Sister], I suffer from a terrible illness that allows my life to be somewhere in the spectrum of 'bareley tollerable' to 'god kill me now'. An illness that gets worse by the day. Yes i know it is awful to be round me, but I have to be round 'me' every day.

I do the best I can with limited resources.
[5:12:34 PM] Bela's Sister: I never said it was awful to be around you. I just said that you make choices. I am truly sorry you are unwell, but you need to take your treatment seriously and get out and have interests. Staying at home will drive you mad, get out and do something that is not too stressful and makes you feel good. You need to cut ties with the life you had before - the big jobs and stress - and give a different life a choice. You're very clever and able, but you are clinging to things that are just not right for you.
[5:13:38 PM] Bela's Sister: You have endless energy, so why not do something that interests you and have a nice, rewarding (but not too challenging job) to give you a little more independence?
[5:14:34 PM] Bela's Sister: i.e. learn a completely new language or trade and do charitable work for a cause that interests you
[5:15:47 PM] BLG: That was all in the file I was trying to send you that you declined.
[5:16:13 PM] Bela's Sister: Ah, I was receiving another file
[5:16:26 PM] *** BLG sent The Offer.jpg ***
[5:16:28 PM] Bela's Sister: that I have to work on - but send again now as it's cleared
[5:18:10 PM] Bela's Sister: see, more sensible than I look!
[5:18:19 PM] Bela's Sister: boys back, got to feed them now
[5:18:22 PM] Bela's Sister: bye for now x
[5:18:26 PM] BLG: x


Does Life Begin, Or End With Marriage? (Nsfw)

Posted by Bela Lugosi's Dad , 04 April 2012 · 446 views
Rhubarb, Sputnik, Giraffes
It's as interesting question, or at least interesting to me. It was asked of me by no less than a computer game, and I hate computer games with a passion, I will not have them in the house.

This computer game revolves around Vincent, a regular guy whose girlfriend Catherine overwhelms him with her desire to get married. To confuse matters further, he starts an affair with a girl of the same name, albeit with a K instead of a C.

I was playing this game around an acquaintance of mine's house, an acquaintance of mine whose 10 year marriage has fallen apart. Why this happened is pretty self apparent; I could not be around the constant stream of shouting where every 3rd word is either fuck, fucking, bitch or fuckingbitch for 10 minutes, how his wife managed to endure this for 10 years is completely beyond me. After 5 minutes I had to seek solace in a video game while all around me a sickening circus was going on, a circus were the ringmaster is working all day and all night. Trust me, Archaos was pretty easy going compared to the motions of Peter.

Peter's life revolves around walking around with a netbook in his hands alternating between ranting about his fuckingbitch of a wife and working on his master plan. A master plan that involves chatting to filipino ladies on a mail order bride sites, 18 is the target age group and Peter is a 48 year old man. Every hour or so he will slide into the kitchen. and trying to be quiet - Peter cannot be quiet, will be heard to say things such as "lift it up", "just for a second" and then giggling to himself.

When I asked him about the fact that his master plan involved running away to exactly what he perceived was the root of all of his problems, namely women, Peter told me. "There (sic) just fuckingbitches, I'll fuck the bitch and then fucking get myself another fuckingbitch to fuck." Wow, that seems like a plan.

This plan is to be financed by selling his house, before his wife with 4 children under the age of 9, can lay a legal claim to it. In short Peter is a dick (and borderline pedophile).

Eckhart Tolle makes some interesting points. He made a lot more interesting points before he met Oprah and she gave him a bigger bunch of flowers, a bigger chair, some 'spiritual music', a TV show and a 'Diiinnng'.

(Although Eckhart I am not sure how much one can revel in the 'Now' when on a Seroquel, Vodka, Jaegermeister cocktail that involved trying to arrest police officers and getting thrown in a cell for the night and having to endure the hideous court case that followed as I did at the beginning of this year.)

Where am I going with this? Oh yes, Abilify.

From what I have been reading Abilify seems to be the Crazy Meds version of betting on 0, 00 and red in roulette. If the ball lands on red you will be motivated but have some horrible side effects. If the ball lands on black the side effects are so unbearable you stop taking it. But if the ball lands on green, you are very lucky indeed and live a much better life.

I like these odds.

Tolle talks a lot about not needing other people to complete oneself, and fair enough, but a meaningful relationship would be a nice addition to myself.

I am thirty nine this month and if the Abilify does work (I have already decided that I shall mandate that my pdoc prescribes it) I am not going to get myself a mail order bride.

There is a very nice greyhound at the local rescue shelter called Fred. Fred recently had all his teeth removed so doesn't complain about them very much now. So if Abilify motivates me to the point that I could feed Fred (soup I am guessing) and take him out for a run twice a day, I shall have a birthday to look forward to for once.


Bipolar General Admits That War Against Insanity May Take Slightly Longer Than Expected

Posted by Bela Lugosi's Dad , 02 April 2012 · 298 views

Couldn't face up to it. So did this instead............



English Man Complies With Anti-Psychotic Meds, Enjoys Ho-Hum Life.

Posted by Bela Lugosi's Dad , 29 March 2012 · 260 views

Well that was one hell of a ride. The intense high followed by the inevitable, but much worse than normal crash.

I really haven't much more to say.

New pdoc t-21 days. I hope to god that he prescribes something that makes the title of this post come true. I think Abilify is the best candidate, not quite ready to throw in the towel yet.


I Love You.

Posted by Bela Lugosi's Dad , 25 March 2012 · 585 views

Three words. So many different meanings.

The I love you I used to say to my fiance.
The I love you she used to say to me when me first met.
The I love you that became an automatic response when I told my fiance I loved her.
The I love you I felt when I saw my daughter the first time.
The I love you I tell my daughter every time we talk.
The I love you my daughter tells me when she would rather be at Starbucks.
The I love you when I think of my daughter at Starbucks.
The I love you when I think of my fiance loving another man.
The I love you that my fiances 'another man' feels for my daughter.
The I love you that my daughter feels for my fiances 'another man'.
The I love you I feel for my parents when I shouldn't really love them at all.
The I love you that my daughter feels for me when she shouldn't really love me at all.
The I love you that I felt for my best friend.
The I love you he used to feel for me.
The I love you that my father never said to me.
The I love you that I feel for my mother when she is sober.
The I love you my mother feels for me when she is sober.
The I love you that I never say to myself.
The I love you I feel for my super little sister, who sees the positive side of everything, even me.
The I love you that I'm saving for that special person should we ever meet.

So not a comprehensive list, but it's a start.

So despite being hypo-manic as a box of jumping frogs, I am feeling very positive today. I am starting to see that there might be a life over the horizon. I haven't felt this way for a long time.

I have been reading your posts in between rants and you have inspired me.

I have learnt that I am not alone.
I have learnt that despite how horrible my life is, how lucky I am to have it.
I have learnt that there are people that are in a far worse predicament then me.
I have learnt that with the right meds and right attitude I can take control of my life, I just might have to change my expectations.

So there is a new one.

The I love you that I feel for you all, although I do not know who you are and never will.,


I Am Glad I Am Not American.

Posted by Bela Lugosi's Dad , 24 March 2012 · 324 views

When my private health insurance ran out in Germany, I did the sensible thing. I ran home.

But I didn't have to, I could have been in any of the 30 European Economic Area Countries and the UK government would have paid for the bulk of my treatment.

Or I could have been in Switzerland.

Or Martinique, Guadaloupe, Reunion, French Guiana.

Or the Faroe Islands. Or even Greenland. Imagine that.

As much as I hate my Crazy Meds, I would hate them even more if I had to pay for them. Well I wouldn't, because I would spend the money getting drunk and hate myself instead.

So I have to applaud every last one of you crazy people in the US for not only dealing with your illness but also with your health insurance system. A health insurance system which as far as I can tell seems to be a demented casino where only the house can win.

Now I know Medicare is a hugely contentious subject in the states and to be honest I don't really understand what it is, this is not a political rant.

I'll let you into a secret, while the USA is obviously the most influential country in the world, in Europe we don't understand what the difference between a Republican or a Democrat is. The truth be told, I've lived in 17 European countries and I don't really think that politics have noticeably affected my day to day life. (Except perhaps in France, but that's because people take politics into their own hands.)

So while we are watching the news, when the part in the US election summary turns to Medicare, we politely pour each other another glass of wine, pass around some raw ham and moldy cheese, and discuss the merits of Limoncello made from Sicilian lemons as opposed to those grown on the mainland.

Having sat through Michael Moore's 'Sicko', which is excruciating not only because from opening title to closing credits the expression on his face looks like he is taking a dump, but because something I do not even have to think about - paying for Crazy Meds and treatment - is more often than not part of your daily lives. And having not experienced this, I cannot understand what this must be like.

Even in Cuba, yes Cuba. Medical treatment is free. If you are in a resort, sure they will make you pay for it, why not. But if you leave the beaten track and fall horribly ill like I did, when you ask for your bill, they will look at you with a confused face and say "This is Cuba."

In fact Cuba has so much Medical Treatment going round it's one of their largest exports. When I last looked they had 70,000 doctors working overseas. 70,000, think about it.

Now don't think I am saying that it is a perfect system in the UK, it is not. It is strained to bursting point.

In fact were you to by accident to walk into a hospital in the UK, you would probably be very intrigued as to what this huge building you had walked into was. You would find it strange because while watching people in green and white coats swishing through double doors you would be offered endless cups of tea and often sandwiches too. "What the hell is this place" you would say, "It's like fringe theater, only they keep giving free drinks as well."

In the unfortunate circumstance that you visited a hospital because you were sick, they would ask you for your name and address. And after some considerable waiting they would treat you, and give you cups of tea.

Unless you volunteered the information that you were not UK or EU resident, they would probably forget to ask. In fact I don't know of a single incident where someone has been asked to pay. People come to the UK for medical treatment, people live here for that one reason.

Now let's say you were given an Rx for 3 months worth of AAPs, some SSRI's and some Benzos, all in all a couple of thousand dollars worth of drugs. Would you cry yourself to sleep worrying about how you were going to pay for them? Would you choose between dentistry (also free - but takes some effort) or your meds?

No you would not. You would take the Rx to a pharmacy, tick the box on the back stating why you don't have to pay (they give you a choice of about a dozen exemptions) and then walk out in about 5 minutes will all your lovely meds. No need for ID, or proof, or money.

Even if you were earning $1M a year, you can buy an annual season ticket for a couple of hundred bucks that allows you to tick one of the exemption boxes on the back of the Rx.

Now I am not suggesting that the next time you have a script to fill you hop on a plane to the UK and visit Buckingham Palace, Edinburgh Castle, Stonehenge and a hospital/doctor of your choosing, but did I mention that you'll get a free home, your taxes paid, money for groceries, beer* and transport? And your furniture? And a TV? With no commercials?**

I have mentioned things take time here, but hey you can always take the health service to court and they will send you to Germany or France. If you really don't want to hang out with Johnny Foreigner then you can get private medical insurance.

So as I read your posts and advice on this forum, and the difficulties many of you have in paying for your meds, I feel lucky, and my heart goes out to you.

I love the US. I really do. I love the space, I love the beauty of the landscapes, the nature, the people. I have visited 42 states and have enjoyed every one of them bar DC. I love my dream of one day zig zagging across the states with an Airstream.

I just wouldn't like to be American, because despite having to pay taxes on my overseas income, I would be six feet under. The irony being, that you have the best healthcare in the world, if you can afford it.

*Yes alcoholism is considered a chronic illness, so you get more money for booze.
**If you are selective.


In Case You Were Wondering; This Is How We F*** It Up.

Posted by Bela Lugosi's Dad , 23 March 2012 · 248 views

So a pretty normal day so far today as things go. But as I have stated elsewhere normal is a pretty elastic concept these days.

In my previous life, so far I would have:
  • Woken up.
  • If the cards fell right, or I had behaved the day before, had sex with my partner.
  • Brushed my teeth.
  • Taken a shower.
  • Admired myself in the mirror, in a tailor made suit.
  • Spent 10 mins getting the perfect knot in my tie.
  • Had breakfast with the kids.
  • Kissed my partner goodbye.
  • Driven to the office.
  • Asked my PA what meetings I had today
  • Called home to say 'I love you'.
  • Had coffee and with my board.
  • Smoked a cigarette on the balcony.
  • Called home to say 'I love you'.
  • Replied to a few emails.
  • Made a few phone calls.
  • Thought about our expansion in Africa.
  • Gone out to lunch with some government types.
  • Called home to say 'I love you'.

Today hasn't been as productive. What I have done is.
  • Rolled out of bed an hour and a half ago, in the same clothes I have been wearing for a week. This was very early, but there were REASONs. REASONs included in the list below.
  • Ignored 2 phone calls from my mother
  • Taken my medicine.
  • Ignored 3 phone calls from my mother.
  • Shaken like a sh*tting dog when my business partner knocked on my door because he is worried about me.
  • Hung up the intercom when I heard by business partner trying to reach me on that.
  • Hidden under a desk while my business partner knocked on the window.
  • Ignored a phone call from the police wanting a statement about the last time I was burgled. (This happens quite a lot, the local hoodlums burgle the crazy guy while he is sleeping. Its just the way things are.)
  • Ignored a phone call from my bank manager who is extremely concerned about the size of my overdraft. (So am I in fact, I can't pay for stuff online anymore as my cards are frozen.)
  • Endured a phone call from my mother about how she came round the other day (and I ignored her) and how she was terrified by a man with Nazi tattoos and a vicious dog. Explained to her that I have to LIVE here.
  • Got half way through writing this post.
So this is how we, or at least I, f*ck it up. Because if I deduct the 'I love you' phone calls, which I will pretend don't exist for the sake of this post and what threads are left of my sanity, leaves me with precisely 6 less tasks than I would have performed in my previous life.

As I have woken up 4 hours later than I would have done in my previous life, I will give myself credit for the 6 tasks less. (This is MY University of Crazy, so I make the rules and score the exams)

So all in all I seem to have completed a lot of tasks, but none of them bar the first and second have been productive in anyway whatsoever but I have exerted a considerable amount of effort to achieve, well, f*ck all.


Plans for this afternoon.
  • Read through my blog. (The advice to write a blog is very good, not only is it therapeutic, it gives me a virtual memory of sorts.)
  • Work on my master list of things to do, that should be somewhere in this blog, I am guessing at the beginning.
  • Cook some fish.
  • Have a bath!!!

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