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The DollyBlog



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Next Stop On The Med Train And Custody Battle Train...

Posted by dolly , 13 July 2012 · 353 views

These two trains suck, lol

Med train: Saw my Dr. today and she put me on BuSpar twice a day in addition to Xanax 1mg PRN and Ambien CR 12.5mg. I'm picking up my script later so I don't know the dosage. The hair loss is slowing somewhat. She was pretty concerned that I am still experiencing brain zaps and dizziness after over 2 weeks off Zoloft; so hopefully this will help. Last night I had a horrible moment where I had a tachycardia spell after taking some Ambien (I believe they are unrelated); I was afraid to add Ativan to the Ambien so I just endured it and tried my yoga breathing until the Ambien knocked me out. I get those spells when I am not on meds, and when it happens after I have taken a hypnotic I get confused and the whole thing just turns into a giant clusterf*ck.

Custody Battle train: Ex-H sent me threatening letters on Monday falsely accusing me of preventing him from contacting my son; I turned them over to the shrink who is doing the family assessment as well as my lawyers, and asked for an emergency intervention so that my ex-H can leave my son in peace while he spends time in California with his mom. Didn't hear anything afterwards until this morning when the paralegal sent me a copy of a letter my lawyer sent to a judge asking for an emergency hearing before the school year starts. I was floored. I guess with the threat letters and what has been already done on the familial assessment they feel they have enough leverage to move fast and get my kids down here to start school. First reaction: they are going to haaaaate me. Son because he is being pressured so much by ex-H (ex-H told him that if my son moved to be with me he would never see him again. What an asshole) and teenage daughter because of the 'boyfriend'. I guess we'll see what happens now. I'm kind of excited at the same time that they will finally be here with me but I don't want to get my hopes up too soon. Drama to be continued. 8500$ in lawyer bills so far.


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Brain Zaps... My Life Now Revolves Around Brain Zaps

Posted by dolly , 07 July 2012 · 785 views
discontinuation, zoloft and 1 more...
Oh, the joys of coming off meds. The morning is when I have the most clarity; I use the time to work, hold meetings, take care of my house. Around 4-5pm the zaps come. Imaginary helicopters pour deafening sounds out from my ears and my eyes roll around in their sockets. I get really dizzy. I become useless. By the evening's end I am so exhausted from the zappers that I don't even need anything to help me sleep. I just pass out. I am very emotional and cry over little things.

It's been roughly 2 weeks now off of Zoloft, titrated down from 100mg to 25mg. I'm surprised that the zaps aren't over with at this point; maybe my brain is fucked up forever from 2 runs of Effexor.

So, now what...? Any vitamins or supplements I can take to help with discontinuation? I'm really surprised that it is taking so long to get over Zoloft.


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Update From Crazyland

Posted by dolly , 05 July 2012 · 255 views
zoloft, hair loss, fuck
So I think my last entry was for the psych assessment. For the custody petition. Well the shrink saw that my son was being manipulated and pressured by his father. So I am glad for that. I ended up leaving early to come back home with my son and we have been here since last Sunday. Everyday we go swimming and play together. His father was constantly texting him and being super-controlling since he got here but yesterday I put my foot down and put away the ipod. He didn't complain. He's been asking me to buy him all kinds of things which gets draining. Their father keeps telling them I have money and he doesn't and he won't buy them anything so when I am around they hound me. I don't mind buying them stuff they need but I hate feeling like a bag of cash instead of their Mom.

It's hard to describe everything that happened. Being back there was really, really hard on me. I ended up having to buy a plane ticket for my daughter's boyfriend or else my daughter refused to leave him for the summer. That is super fucked-up and I am the one feeling manipulated. Sometimes I just feel like giving up, paying a bunch of child support and seeing them twice a year. Fuck them and their father for putting me through this. I am close to my wits' end... :(

I got my hair cut 10 days ago and the hair stylist noticed the hair loss. As he was detangling my hair his hands were covered; my scalp was so painful and sensitive that every brush stroke had me wincing. After that I completely went off Zoloft. I just can't be bald right now. I have enough to deal with. I am dizzy and have brain zaps and headaches but things are getting better on that front. Actually I am not taking any meds except for something to sleep, either Ambien or Restoril. I have only needed to take emergency benzos a couple of times and have not had any panic attacks (So far. Based on past experience that will change with a trigger. I am researching meds in the meantime so I can be prepared; maybe beta blockers this time). I am handling things on my own for now. And yes the amount of hair shed is much improved since I completely quit the Zoloft.

Work is kind of sucky too. Some days I like my new job, and other times I really miss my old job. This is my first time working in a really large company and so far I prefer a smaller company. They told me it would take at least 6 months to figure my way around but they have already started throwing a lot of stuff my way. They seem to be happy with my performance but I am frustrated with being the new girl, on top of dealing with my personal shit that is really interfering with my work ramp-up.

So, yeah I am not very happy these days.


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Need Positive Vibes, Please...

Posted by dolly , 20 June 2012 · 358 views

Tomorrow morning is my meeting for the psych evaluation for my custody case. This guy was picked out by my lawyer so I am hoping he is good. She says he is, and most of all he is really good with testifying before judges and courts. I had to prepare some 'information' forms beforehand and it stirred up a lot of memories of past abuse from my ex-H. Basically I am restless and climbing the walls right now, and have to show a calm front for my kids. I want to bring my son back with me for good. My whole body hurts and I'm trying not to cry.

My ex-H has managed to paralyze everyone with fear for years and the bullying has to stop NOW. I won't be bullied anymore and I love living 3000 miles away from him and his narcissistic evilness. Now I just need to get my son out of his clutches so we both can have a good life. The therapist will also be meeting with ex-H and the kids. I absolutely hate having to put my children through this but the other choice would be to give him full custody which I refuse to do.

Thank you for sending positive thoughts/vibes my way,

dolly


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Lost It And Ran For The Hills

Posted by dolly , 16 June 2012 · 303 views
zoloft, hair loss, relationships
So I went back on 25mg of Zoloft and I feel okay. My anxiety is actually better at this dose. Hopefully I won't start to shed hair again. I wear this powdery concealer stuff that has little keratin fibers in it when I style my hair for work/social occasions so people can't see down to my scalp under strong lights. I used to have lots of hair and the antidepressants have ruined that. People just think I have fine hair, they don't remember but I do. Bald or crazy is not a nice choice. I'm letting it grow out so I can just put it up in a bun with a decorative hair clip and not have to deal with volumizing/teasing etc.

I got pissed at Nice Man and dumped him. We had been talking every day and I was enjoying myself, except that I found he was getting too carried away with constantly expressing his feelings that I was the *perfect* woman for him. I told him he was making me uncomfortable and I preferred a slower pace. He agreed to tone it down and 2 days later he was at it again, saying he was falling in love with me blah blah blah. After 3 dates and a few IM/phone conversations!! His lack of self-control is a giant turn-off and I told him this wasn't doing it for me and I am taking a break. I felt relieved today. The last boyfriend I had did the same pushy thing and he turned out to be a scary weirdo who was obsessed with keeping his rectal area clean and beating up people (you read that right, lol). What is it with these pushy men. Anyway putting up my boundaries felt good. I am disappointed because at some level I would like to be in a relationship, but not feel like I am being prematurely dragged into one. It has to be at my pace or no deal.

This summer I am doing a martial arts family class with my son. I cannot wait!! I've been spending a lot of time outdoors swimming and sunning and it feels revitalizing. I need my daily dose of sun.


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I Quit My Meds... Shocker

Posted by dolly , 15 June 2012 · 325 views
zoloft, hair loss
I will come back and read everyone else's posts tomorrow, I promise... I just needed to get this off my chest.

So, a couple of weeks ago my hair started falling out again. Like, 40-50 strands in the sink as I detangled it after washing/conditioning, instead of 5-10 strands. I cannot afford to lose more hair, it's getting pretty long and I would like to keep the hairs I have left. I had already quit the steroid inhalers. So I quit the Zoloft. It took about 4 days after it was out of my system and the hair loss stopped. The weird part is, I titrated down from 100mg to nothing in 5 days with no side effects except for tinnitus. So different from my previous AD, the evil Effexor. Not even a headache!

So, a big fuck you Zoloft. It's really too bad, I was enjoying the appetite suppressant effect and no sexual side effects. But messing with my hair is a deal breaker. I am disappointed

Now need to research for potential alternatives. I have my benzos and my ambien to tide me over until I see my Dr. I just need to manage the meds so the panic attacks don't come back (see my first blog post)....

dolly the nutty chick


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Ambien Facepalm Moment

Posted by dolly , 10 June 2012 · 269 views

Hypnotics remove my inhibitions. I keep forgetting about that. I had so many 'moments' on temazepam, but so far the Ambien didn't hit me that way. Until last night. I took some Ambien and decided to watch TV instead of turning off the light and going to bed. BAD idea. Well stupid me decides to check my email, and Nice Man had sent me a very nice complimentary message. Uh oh. So I decide to answer him back, at 3am - Nice, flowery, hugs and kisses... OMG. I have been so guarded with this whole thing, and it was just the opposite.

When I woke up this morning I had a vague feeling of having done something; went back into my email and cringed. Oh, crap... A few hours later he answered and he had just eaten it all up, he was so happy... I'm surprised he didn't think I was drunk or something (well he knows I don't drink).

I decided to stop overthinking it and absorb a large dose of reality TV instead. Shit. Lol.


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Ugh! Coming Clean (Definitely Nsfw, Possible Triggers)

Posted by dolly , 05 June 2012 · 269 views

I don't know what to do with Nice Man. He is a well-spoken, intelligent person but he was a drug addict in the past. Hard drugs. He lost 2 high-paying jobs because of it. He has been clean for 5 years now and he is well-behaved. But I don't trust that he won't go down that path again. When you're an addict it's supposed to be for life, right?

I know about these things. Part of my current MI issues were triggered by an overdose of combined illicit substances plus xanax and booze to get off the rollercoaster. I was royally stupid and ashamed of my behavior. I was never addicted though. I just did them occasionally to please my boyfriend at the time. After that happened, never touched anything illicit again. That was over 4 years ago. I socialized with wealthy people that thought they could get away with anything (he was friends with my ex-bf). They impressed me. I wanted to be 'bad' and glamorous too. I ended up worsening my MI.

I have flashbacks about that stuff. My body gets numb with adrenaline just by getting a flashback, when I am not on my meds (my legitimate meds).

I am trying to research and see if there are long term consequences to what he consumed in the past. I haven't found anything. He is focused and happy in his current life, is way more gregarious than I am but he totally gets me. He does have ADHD though and he gets fidgety which is annoying to someone who has GAD like me. He said he hasn't been interested in someone in a long time which I think was the same thing I said a few blog posts ago, so what is it, do whack-jobs just attract each other???

I feel like I need to stay away from anyone who has had anything to do with the fast life of people who have more money than brains but then again people deserve chances if they work so hard to stay on the straight path? I wouldn't want to be excluded because of my MI, I am taking my meds, taking care of myself and I have lots of positive traits.

I cried today. I don't know what to say to him. I don't know what to think about this, nothing feels like an obvious choice.


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Update On Meds And Man

Posted by dolly , 02 June 2012 · 204 views

Sooo... after Lovely Thoughts was getting destabilized and mentioned checking her other meds/vitamins I thought about checking my other crapload of meds and vitamins to see what was killing my stomach. So started the process of elimination. Found the culprit - it is my steroid inhaler (flovent). Stopped using it and the heartburn is gone. Happy to have found out what was hurting me but pissed that I was in so much pain for so long. I was blaming it on my MI meds when they weren't even the problem.

Spent the day with Nice Man. He was sweet and attentive and I really enjoyed myself. I figured out he has ADHD. We visited a museum (we're both museum buffs) and had something to eat. Then he spent some time at my place. My dog loves him; it was funny when we were sitting on the living room couch my dog jumped up and nestled between us with his head on Nice Man's lap (I imagine that's also a little display of jealousy). At the end of the evening we ended up making out for a while, he's a good kisser and not slobbery lol. He pretty much kept his hands on the small of my back or on my hips, he's not a boob-grabber. I hate it when you kiss them for the first time and the immediately feel you up. I don't immediately feel your crotch up now do I. LOL. :P

He's coming back tomorrow. We were supposed to go hiking but he told me we could do whatever I wanted, even lazing at the house - I know what's on his mind, lol. '3rd date' activities... ;) I feel very comfortable with him, but I think I still want to do the hike though. We'll see what happens! After this I won't be seeing him for a while because I need to leave the country for 3 weeks; that's kind of a bummer. It's nice to have someone new in my life, I was starting to feel really lonely and frustrated with not finding anyone that was interesting to me.


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Can't Take The Se's Anymore

Posted by dolly , 28 May 2012 · 266 views
zoloft, sertraline, side effects
The side effects from my meds are not bearable anymore. The constant wretched heartburn and painful stomach. The constant headache that won't go away even with Tylenol or Advil. The fatigue. Add on a sore throat from the Nasonex and the Flovent.

I went back down to 75mg for the past 2 days. 100mg was unliveable, the feeling of dragging around hot coals in my stomach and a throbbing headache. Today I took a vitamin B12 pill to get some energy to clean my house, it did work for a few hours and I made some headway until the headache and upset stomach got the best of me.

The nagging thoughts - Why can't I find the perfect piece of art to complete my living room. Why does my dog have all these medical problems. Why isn't my house spotless. Why can't I be more motivated at work. Why can't this custody battle be over with. Why did the damn lighting store ship me a defective lamp that I now have to return. Why can't I get rid of all the papers on my dining room table once and for all. Why can't the contractors start on my kitchen renos right away, I can't stand my shitty kitchen. Why doesn't Prince Charming just show up at my doorstep. Why does it have to take 2 months before I get my new license plates. Why do I have a gross sun spot over my left eyebrow. Why can't I get back on track with my healthy program. Why won't this stupid anxiety ever let up. Whywhywhy. I know, these are not real problems. I'm just feeling paralyzed and frustrated. It's also Girl Week so that is certainly not helping. Bwah.






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