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LovelyThought's Wild Ride



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Back Again

Posted by LovelyThoughts , 14 August 2012 · 190 views

I haven't posted in a few weeks. While I thought I was feeling better...now I believe I was in a hypomanic state...and that thought was even in the back of my mind this whole time but I ignored it, along with checking in here. Didn't want to face reality I just wanted to feel good.

...is it even possible to be two weeks hypo two weeks depressed? Little too rapid I would think. I thought the risperdal was working...ugh!!

So in those two weeks of feeling grand I began riding my bike every day six miles. Lost six lbs and was gardening like crazy.

Then just like that...wham...Im sinking.

Could it be due to the fact we were planning a bbq that came and went last sat and now I have nothing immediately ahead of me?

I am on my two weeks on part of my prozac schedule. Is it working? I dunno anymore.

Considering canceling the ablation. Getting scared it will mess with my hormones too much and I will be worse off than now. Someone please make that decision for me.

OK I am off to ride my bike...more like force myself to...I woke up to rain and thought I had a good excuse to not go but now the sun is shining. Damn.


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Busy Outside...

Posted by LovelyThoughts , 06 August 2012 · 167 views

Well I have kind of been feeling like my old self this past week! Been doing a lot of changes in the front yard and it is starting to finally feel like mine-putting my stamp on it. I was right about part of the depression that wouldn't leave and my hating living in this house. I wasn't doing anything to make it mine like I had done at other houses we lived in...gardening! Now what am I going to do over the winter?!?!?! I may have to crochet again. This is what we did yesterday...

Before After...

Posted Image Posted Image

Need to finish getting the plants in but a storm was coming. By next year these will have filled in some and I can start adding in. I like to do more of a cottage garden look by the time it is established.

Started riding my bike every day and I'm starting to feel a difference in my body overall. No weight loss but I feel firmer. I really need to get rid of these last 15-20 lbs!!! Or at least look like I did 15-20 lbs lighter!


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Exercise And Last Periods-Tmi?

Posted by LovelyThoughts , 02 August 2012 · 202 views

WOOO HOOO!!! This morning I started what I hope will be my last period EVER!!

Ablation is scheduled for the 22nd. I am a bit nervous about it though...things like, what if they dont put me totally under, what if this screws up my hormones and I am more miserable than before, what if it causes me to have more cramps after...well I guess you wont know until you try, but this is permanent. Of course I will still do it, I am just getting nervous about these issues and think maybe I havent thought it through as much as I should have...about the worsening hormone part.

This week I started a new approach on this diet/exercise thing. I have only lost 10 lbs in 4 months and all of that was in the first 3-4 weeks. I have tried different approaches with my workouts and nothing, so now I am hitting my diet harder. When I was in my late 20's I lost about 15-20 lbs eating those frozen "diet" dinners for lunch and dinner, and fruit and nuts for snacks in between (and low cal low fat ice cream if the craving was too much). So Sunday I went and bought a weeks worth of food to try this again. It hasn't been too hard, my worst time in after dinner, but I haven't felt too hungry overall. As for losing anything, I haven't BUT i can feel the difference in my upper arms...the skin is beginning to feel tighter if that makes any sense. The weather has had a bit of a break in the mornings so I have also taken to 30-45 bike rides 2-3 days a week in between gym workouts/weight training.

That is all over here. The tattoo is NOT healing very well...I have a bit of a crater that has formed where the emerald is, but it seems to be "filling in" over the last two days. From what I have researched it means he over worked the tissues..I am NOT going back to him for the touch ups!!


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Back To Where I Belong

Posted by LovelyThoughts , 30 July 2012 · 166 views

and I am relieved.

Having the ablation in a little over 3 weeks and I am actually quite excited about it. This very well be the last cycle I will ever have (well I wont get out of the ovulation/PMS stuff but at least I wont have to deal with the PITA part)

Definitely has PMS last week and I stopped taking Risperdal at some point due to dizziness (cant remember if I mentioned this in the last post) and I believe it contributed to the crash last week. I am back on it and feeling pretty good again...well with the exception of the PMS irritability.

WOO HHOOO!!

Also might be taking a weekend trip to the mountains this weekenk and go ride horses!!


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Tattoo's And Hypomania

Posted by LovelyThoughts , 24 July 2012 · 273 views

Not exactly sure what is going on up there in my brain these last 4-5 days.

Starting thursday afternoon (3rd day or so on my 2 week on prozac 2 weeks off) I began feeling quite hypo-manic.

Found a birth mom ribbon and decided I wanted it as a tattoo on my inside left wrist. Forgot I told my cousin I would go with her to ikea when she got off work and as I was researching tattoo places she showed up at my door. She of course wouldnt take me because we already had plans for shopping, but said we could go in the morning before our planned estate sale trip.

Was hyper all night, decided to stay the night over her house since hubby was pulling all all nighter longevity test. Had a few glasses of wine that made me more hyper.

Got up in the morning and got tattoo...and was super hyper the rest of the day. That night began to feel depressed.

Next day has a housewarming to to go. Baked a yummy cake. Showed up. All of a sudden I felt so down and like I just didnt want to talk to any of my friends there. To make it worse they kept asking what was wrong. I was the DD but about an hour after we were there my BIL said if I wanted to have a few glasses of wine he would drive us home. Did I really appear that bad?!?! Anyway, took him up on it and after the first glass I felt myself again.

Sunday was eh. (not hungover, I just felt blah and towards the afternoon I just wished for a life that wasnt mine)

Monday...OMG! I woke up so melancholy it ain't even funny. The feeling was not something I can explain. Depressed, moody...I don't know. Sunday night I began obsessing over my surrendered daughter and kept looking through the photo album I have of her birth...checking and rechecking my birth mom sites...well it continued into Monday morning. Forced myself to the gym...cut that short, then forced myself to do a super cleaning of the house. By late afternoon I was beack to a normal state of mind.

Very weird episode.


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Girlie Part Appt Follow Up

Posted by LovelyThoughts , 19 July 2012 · 119 views

Its is nothing!! Yayyyyy!!! Well it is something but nothing we need to do anything about. They are just cysts that come and go and will usually resolve themselves without any intervention.

He did however mention ablation again and I asked him about anesthesia during the procedure and he said they knock you out., I said SIGN ME UP! The thought of never having a period again is quite enticing! Even if I end up being the one who still gets them but they are super light I will take that too!!! Only sucky things is I will still get PMS and of course go through menopause.

The bladder thing wasnt a good news but not altogether bad. I had a "bladder trauma" about a years and a half ago where I wanted WAYYYYYYY to long to go and..oh I cant even explain the pain it was...anyway he said the bladder thing could be from that and childbirth and age...so vesicare here I come. Will I turn into one of those pipe people like in their commercials do you think? Ha!

Thanks everyone for the encouragement.


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Girlie Appt

Posted by LovelyThoughts , 18 July 2012 · 127 views

Have my appt today to see what is going on down there. I truly don't think it is anything but some sort of fibroids or somethings but my fear is that he will recommend a hysterectomy. I soooooooo don't want to go there. My only fear is ***TMI WARNING**** loss of orgasm after. All the other stuff (unless they want my ovaries as well) I would greatly welcome, but I am WAY too young to stop having a satisfying sex like!!!

So off I go in a few hours. Send any thoughts vibes prayers...whatever your flavor please!!

~~~Oh and hubby...being a man...called yesterday saying that they scheduled a longevity test in the lab for tomorrow (today) in the afternoon. I asked him if he remembered my appt and he said, oh is that when it is? I can see what I can do but I have to be there for the test...at first I was going to just brush it off because one of my friends will be there and is driving me. Then I realized I was reacting they way I did as a Navy wife, putting myself and needs aside for his job. So I told him I was sure that everyone would understand your not being there for a few hours...as I was trying not to cry. He was kind of shocked but said he would try. Well that just pissed me off. He said he thought I told him I thought is probably was nothing and I do but sheesh I have had to do so many things like this either alone or with a girlfriend...and I am SURE most civilian husbands wouldn't even hesitate or have to be asked to go be with their wife for something like this...even if it is probably nothing!!!

Ok rant over...he said he will meet us there. I will be taking a xanax with lunch before we go.


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I Am So Effin Sick Of Being A Birth Mom

Posted by LovelyThoughts , 15 July 2012 · 267 views

I think I need to block my surrendered daughter and her husband from my fb feed. For the last almost year whenever I see their posts and photos it makes me feel like crap. It is becoming too triggering especially in the last few weeks.

I totally feel like I failed at being her Mom because I am not her Mom. I don't think there is any reason for not taking the responsibility that was given to me or standing up to those who made me feel I was unworthy to be her Mom. And then there is the fact that she is happy she was adopted...and that cuts me to the core. Even SHE believes I am not worthy to be her mother, she is thankful to have been adopted which I don't understand (or maybe she doesn't understand how a statement like that makes me feel as her birth mom). Our life is VERY comfortable (hubby & I). We have ended up way better off financially than her adoptive parents (not that money is everything but adoption is based on money as we all know) and our lives have been happy (for those who don't know we had a very open adoption and saw each other all the time when she was growing up). So the only thing I assume when she says she is happy she was given up is that me as a person and the life I have created isn't good enough so she is glad I didn't keep her. A defense on her part because if she admitted the opposite would mean rejecting her adoptive parents? Who knows, maybe she really doesn't like who I am.

Do I think everything happens for a reason? I think I use to but lately I cant see any reason for me to have felt this anguish all these years...and probably the rest of my life...except that I had allowed others dictate what I should do about such a huge decisions that effected the rest of my life.

I am so sick of being a birth Mom. I really wish it would go away so I could just be a normal person like the rest of the world.



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Another Day...

Posted by LovelyThoughts , 13 July 2012 · 116 views

Had dinner at my cousins last night and about 3 glasses of wine. I wasnt "drunk" because it was over a 4-5 hour time period, but I was tipsy. I feel like an idiot. I have always been able to do/correct things that are bad for me but I just can't seem to get a grip. I feel weak and stupid for not doing the obvious and just freaking take care of myself.

I was up until 3am trying not to freak out about my girlie issue. Too many things want to run through my head when I am alone. I finally took something and went to sleep. Thankfully hubby will be home this afternoon and we can finally really talk about it.

Off to the gym, then to plant the flowers I bought yesterday! Cant wait until it is all finished and mulched!


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Scary Girls Parts Stuff...

Posted by LovelyThoughts , 11 July 2012 · 126 views

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~TMI WARNING~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


As if my week hasn't been trying enough. I have some sort of growth or cyst on my cervix and my cervix is ...I cant remember the word but she said its become vascular like and she couldnt tell if the bleeding I am having is coming from the cyst or my cervix. My Mom has has cervical, ovarian and breast cancer so I'm trying not to freak out. (along with bother her sisters and my Dads mom havingg has breast cancer as well)

BUT this does explain a lot of wierd things that have been going on in the last 2-3 months that I have been blaming on MI and perimenopause. My totally out of control hormones, constant cramping, bleeding all the time, leaking bladder...I know there is more but I just can't think about it right now. I am having an ultra sound and have an appt with my regular GYN next week. Thats when they will probably do a biopsy I'm guessing.






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